it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
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you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you