It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
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Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Where is your GOD now????
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.