It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I can also cook 😂
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk