It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
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Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles