It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
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Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
But is it really??
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
multitasking lunch
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor