@3sunzzz

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

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@galiamango

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

@michimama75

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

@weinerdog4life

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

@Shariv67

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

@IamEnidColeslaw

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

@WarrenHolstein

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

@lmegordon

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

@illTortuga

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

@Stellacopter

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.