@3sunzzz

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

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@Cheeseboy22

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

@zachreinert0

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

@GinAndJif

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

@Jenny4ashley

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

@TheBoydP

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

@CornOnTheGoblin

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

@joerogan

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

@honeybadgerMel

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

@SteveSuckington

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.