It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
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Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
For anyone who needs this today
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate