It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

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I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.


Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?


No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.


Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling


Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.


it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses


Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?


Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?


“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend


I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.