It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
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What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.