It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
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Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!