It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
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When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
BaD BoY!!
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry