It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
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[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Well, this certainly took a turn
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
❤️🦆
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.