It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
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My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
what could possibly go wrong?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Good Morning.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
#winning
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My god she’s good.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.