It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
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If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Why is everyone getting married at me
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
liiiiiiiiike
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Worst perfume name ever.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.