It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
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I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.