It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

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The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET


“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.


How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon


I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!


The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.


I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill


[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.


Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.


wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though


My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami