It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time