It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
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“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!