“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
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My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
This is my cat’s medicine.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.