It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
You Might Also Like
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
next question.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.