It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
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I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
*ernest hemingway voice*
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing