@urmumsausername

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

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@tobestewart

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

@myonlymizztake

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

@illuminateddino

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

@david8hughes

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

@clichedout

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

@TheHyyyype

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

@RidiculousSheri

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

@RodLacroix

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

@cepheusjackson

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.