It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
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My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Just so funny
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”