It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
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Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
March 16
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
monday
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*