it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

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*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*


what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell


JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?


You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.


How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’


[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though


Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’