*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’