“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

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I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.


He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?


Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.


Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.


In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.


A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.


[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them


Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”