@lianamaeby

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

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@Kyle_Lippert

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

@LlamaInaTux

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

@Izianikapani

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

@TrophyCatas

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

@kimlockhartga

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

@TheSharona06

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

@alexlumaga

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

@slimmy_shady

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

@Kauaibride

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.