“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
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*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
All set.