I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
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He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
He: Does he bite?
He: How does he eat then?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”