“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

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“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”


Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*


Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.


To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.


Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.


My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.


The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time


Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.


you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.