@lianamaeby

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

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@UncleDuke1969

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

@Try2StopME

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

@BadaBinge

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

@rickygervais

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

@BobTheSuit

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

@hamspamtymaam

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

@Amusitr0n

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

@DirtMcTurd

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”