@AaronMichael_ Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
@LostFelicia It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
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@AaronMichael_ 
@RdrJay47 Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
@danjan13 I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
@KalvinMacleod My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
@jabberwockkyy Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
@cheeky__gal It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
@p_net Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
@XplodingUnicorn My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
@squirrel74wkgn Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
@GibJimson Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.