It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
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Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
we all know this pain all too well
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”