It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

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Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+


Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?


I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?


My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.


Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?


My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.


Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*