“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
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Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore