It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
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When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?