It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
You Might Also Like
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
cause of death:
autopsy.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.