It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
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One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
When can I start eating bats again.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?