It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
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Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.