it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
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when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Word!
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
cat vs inanimate object
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed