It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
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The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me