It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
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Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Van Gone
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*