It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
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A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Ugh
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.