it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
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Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Ah yes. The three genders
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
A dad and his duck
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.