It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
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*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.