It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
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He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*