It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
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‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
But that’s none of my business
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table