It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Me driving through Toronto
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles