It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
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My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
“I FIXED IT!”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.