It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
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5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep