It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
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FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.