It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine