It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
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Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
A ghost story
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!