It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

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When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.


[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.


I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.


tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.


Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.


“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.


me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no


Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?