When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
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it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?