@clindsaysway

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

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@stop_sweeps_atx

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

@Dad_At_Law

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

@Piecezilla

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

@AmericanGent69

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

@Holy_Mowgli

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

@ArfMeasures

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

@jessokfine

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

@notmythirdrodeo

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

@mishakey

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.