It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
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Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Same post same
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’