It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
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It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
…..pretty much.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it