It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
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I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
a lot to unpack here
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.