It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Banana is the quietest snack
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.