Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
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Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
A family that plays together cheats.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.