Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
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If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
You saw nothing. I am ham.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am