It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
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Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I’d … I’d rather not.
my proudest tweet
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.