I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN