@Browtweaten

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

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@dlockw21

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

@itsmebeegee07

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

@ArfMeasures

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

@WilliamAder

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

@Brentweets

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

@notalogin

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

@LuvPug

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

@Cheeseboy22

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

@Ygrene

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN