It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
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me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
selfie game
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community